Today is Monday, and also the end of the world. Or so you might think if you are either Marjorie Taylor Greene or that one dude she has been having what we assume is very sweaty, pale, Godly white-person sex with. (Fifteen seconds in missionary groaning like you ate some bad oysters, followed by three hours of staring at the ceiling and wallowing in regret?)
Brian Glenn, Greene’s current partner in all the fucking, was flipping out last week over Monday’s solar eclipse being a sign that God is really mad at humans for, well, (waves hand in general direction of everything).
Over the weekend, Glenn posted a video of himself ranting about this topic while looking very squinty-eyed and harried and sleepless and just generally like the sort of weirdo who, if he sat down next to you at a bar, would immediately have you telling the bartender to cash you out:
“I think we’re going to see where the largest kind of a spiritual awakening in this country that people are realizing how much evil has creeped into not only our government, but our own personal lives.”
The dude had an extramarital affair with MTG that reportedly led to the end of both their marriages, and he’s wondering where all this evil in his life suddenly crept in from. Buddy, you’re, ahem, involved with Marjorie Taylor Greene, and you still haven’t made the connection as to when all this evil crept into your personal life?
Then last week the East Coast had a very rare earthquake, and then Glenn apparently learned about the giant cicada infestation that’s coming this spring, and also the Middle East is a mess, and woe unto humanity or something:
I want you guys to have a fantastic weekend, and here’s why: this might be the last normal weekend we have for quite some time.
At least until next weekend, at the very minimum.
“We’ve got this solar eclipse on Monday, this very rare solar eclipse, so who knows what the fallout from that will be.”
If we had to guess, we figure the main fallout will be quite a few of America’s ophthalmologists banking enough cash to send their children to Vanderbilt.
“Plus that will be combined with several earthquakes, we’ve already seen a few already. Oh, and why not sprinkle in this infestation of locusts that have been dormant for years and all of a sudden will attack mankind.”
The inside of Glenn’s head must look like a drive-in B-movie from the 1950s. Maybe Glenn spent the weekend driving MTG up to Necking Point in his dad’s Oldsmobile, where they were attacked and eaten by a swarm of locusts, leaving behind nothing but MTG’s locket with a picture of Jesus in it, and now a very handsome scientist from a nearby lab and his comely assistant are examining the wrecked Olds and saying things like, “What foul creatures could have done this?!”
Or it’s just cicadas who appear every 17 years for a couple of months like a wayward dad and spend the rest of their time hiding away from people, which quite frankly sounds awesome.
“And then throw in Joe Biden wanting to get into a war with Iran for whatever reason he wants to do that.”
Well, obviously for the same reason every president since Jimmy Carter has battled Iran in some way or another for 50 years: he’s furious that those heathens traditionally put dill weed in their sabzi and also have somehow cornered the Persian rug market. We understand that’s exactly what the Medians and the Lydians were fighting over when God sent them an eclipse as if to say, “Enough already.”
All that, and Glenn forgot to mention the horned “devil comet” that is currently visible in the night sky, for like an hour every evening if you live someplace with a clear view of the horizon and no light pollution.
Greene also got in on the act over the weekend, getting very, very mad online that people are mocking her for thinking God created a comet billions of years ago so he could send it shooting past the Earth at just this particular moment when humanity is up to its ass in sinning:
We wonder if the Christian right’s newest insane power couple has yet noticed that the path of totality for the eclipse includes both Rapture and Jericho, Indiana, and some other biblically-named towns. We will take their exploding heads when they hear this news that God, in addition to being vengeful against sinners, is also really hilarious.
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