Dear Sara,
My spouse and I are atheists. We also think it’s fine for the kids to go to Easter egg hunts, Christmas parties, etc. However, what is not fine is when the hosts of said parties — often parents in our community — throw in a little proselytizing.
We understand that these are religious holidays, but when the very secular-seeming party is themed around sugary snacks hidden by a local dad in a giant bunny costume, do we need to have “He died for our sins” or something similarly ghoulish printed on place cards at every seat?
It seems like the religious stuff is just decoration, which I find more bizarre than if it were overt. Is it rude to skip out on these things? Are we depriving our kids of fun? Are we snobs?
— Jesus-Free in the Midwest
Dear JFITM:
The obvious solution is to roll up with all the windows of the hybrid station wagon rolled down (including the moon roof!) while blasting this sick jam by one Patti Smith.
Oh gawd, here’s a live version from Germany in 1979!!!! (I’ll get to your question in a moment, but this is important on this sacred week!)
Alright, now that you’ve got two versions of a punk poetess singing “JESUS DIED FOR SOMEBODY’S SINS BUT NOT MIIIIINE” I can proceed.
Maybe these folks only feel comfortable adding quotes from Scripture in what they see as a “subtle” way. I agree it seems jarring when set against the backdrop of seemingly non-sacred, goofy, fun rituals, but for some people, the bunny and Jesus are part and parcel of the same deal.
You can take your kids wherever you feel comfortable and welcome. If you don’t feel comfortable and it ain’t required, don’t go. Make excuses, tell the unvarnished truth, do whatever is best for your long-term health and sanity in your community. Everyone’s comfort level varies.
For example, I was raised Catholic and I mostly despise the Church for its corruption and rampant abuse, but I do enjoy some incense, some stained glass, and stories of the gays they paid to make cool sculptures over the years. I’ll go to ceremonies in churches now and then, if it’s convenient and I’m asked by somebody I care about. I may even enjoy it, especially if there’s a good debate afterwards over baked goods. I appreciate the goddess worship it gave me in the guise of Mother Mary. Does that make me a hypocrite? IDK! I don’t really give a shit.
On the other hand, I have friends who suffered such trauma at places of worship in various denominations that they will not darken the door of a church. And I respect that and support it, too. Nobody owes anybody a pretense of tolerance for views they find disgusting.
My point is, you do you. I doubt your children will suffer much socially as a result. I don’t see you going the route of absolutely forbidding them friendships with religious kids, which is good because it might make those belief systems inadvertently appealing, like forbidden fruit (HI ADAM AND STEVE). You are doing what you feel is protective and loving for your children.
Dear Sara,
Am I obligated to send gifts to my sister’s kids even though they are, objectively speaking, absolute shitheads? They are not little anymore. They are terrible teens, and while they may grow up to be great people, I sincerely doubt it.
— Bad Auntie
Dear BA,
You are absolutely not obligated to send them gifts. Only do it if it makes your life easier in some way. For example, if your sister gets upset and the burden of dealing with her feelings outweighs the value of saving your money, send them gift cards to therapy or an independent bookshop or a one-way trip to Venus. Take care of you and yours first. That does not need to include all humans blood-related to you.
In conclusion, HAPPY CARL ANDERSON WEEKEND TO ALL!