Let’s see what about today’s news!
Trump trial day one: Donald Trump begged to postpone the trial one more time because “campaign.” Judge Juan Merchan said go fuck cows. Trump begged for a day off trial so he could go to the Supreme Court for oral arguments about his permanent divinity and immunity, we guess so he can leer at the judges he thinks owe him. (Please, judge, may I be excused from court so that I may go different court?) Merchan said go fuck cows, but please do it in his courtroom, as his presence at SCOTUS is not required. Trump begged please can he have the day of from court to go to his son’s high school graduation. (No, not Junior.) (No, not Eric.) (The other one.) Merchan said go fuck cows, but didn’t actually specify how he’d rule on that, as it’s more than a month off. And Trump and his buttrancid supporters and older sons are screaaaaaaaaaming about it, acting like the judge already ruled.
Oh yeah also Trump fell asleep. And the judge told him that if he doesn’t show up for court he will be arrested. And so much more! [MeidasTouch]
The Supreme Court also too told some whining Republicans to fuck cows, it was House Republicans who came to them whining about being fined for evading Capitol metal detectors. [Washington Sexaminer]
Weakass loser Speaker Mike Johnson is now reportedly planning on doing two separate bills, one for Ukraine aid and one for Israel. Supposedly they’re both hitting the floor this week. We believe him about the Israel one. We’ll see about the other. [Bloomberg]
Wingnut has-been “comedian” Rob Schneider did a “comedy” for some kind of MAGA event, and apparently it was so gross Republican Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith walked out and they canceled the loser’s set right in the middle of it. [Playbook]
That vile sack of crap Beverly LaHaye, who founded the Concerned Women for America hate group — and whose husband Tim LaHaye wrote all those crap Left Behind books — has died. She was old. Her legacy will continue to hurt innocent people for a long time. [Washington Post]
Do you want to know what the “Stronger Men” conference is, and learn about all the weird right-wing Jesus drama that happened at it this year? LMAO we promise you do. [Baptist News Global]
This whole “Trump is literally in criminal trial now” thing is making the MAGA creeps craaaaaaazy. Charlie Kirk is yapping his butthole of a face about putting Democrats in leg irons, while that MAGA weirdo Clay Travis is literally instructing people to sneak on to the jury and refuse to convict on principle. (Obviously not because the DA won’t prove his case, because he will.) [JoeMyGod / Twitter]
Known genius business guy Elon Musk says he’s got to start charging new Twitter users to tweet, for to stop the bots. Which is weird, because have you ever noticed how many bots have paid blue checks? Fucking idiot. And also PUSSY IN BIO. [TechCrunch]
OK we know we already put the Marry Me Chicken recipe in here, but now we have made it, and spoiler, we married the chicken. Now we just need to cook it for a man. Serve with a nice vinaigrette salad and a baguette for sopping up the sauce like a damn farm animal. [New York Times]
The southern coast of Puerto Rico is sexy as fuck, this article is correct. [Washington Post]
And finally, GETTYSBURG WOW. [Olivia Nuzzi on Twitter]
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